My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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