ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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