Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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