Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!