like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.