Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
