my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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