Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You are the jesus of drinking
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
