I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm really busy with my period
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