Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
whose ass print is on the piano?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
