Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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