im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
