so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
