We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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