It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
