There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
