I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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