i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
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Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
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Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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