haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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