there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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