I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
