well I can't set my house on fire every night
ugly people sure do ruin things
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
