Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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