I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
