how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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