I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Sext me about skeletons
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
