Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
