After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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