She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
