He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
