It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
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he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
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He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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