Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
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My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
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We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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