Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You can't just leave with hair like that
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
