and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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