dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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