I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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