Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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