i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
She told me I should be a condom model.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I had to cum in my sink.
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