i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I am naked and annoyed.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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