i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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