Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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