I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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