He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
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The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
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how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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