come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
