You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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