your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
