I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
