i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
