I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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