just survived the first fart of the relationship.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
