By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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