she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
