i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
