Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
