FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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