my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
